So there’s this girl… If you know me, then you know that I say that line quite often. There is always some girl out there that I have my heart set on. The only problem is that I constantly think that I am going to get hurt, so I just can’t have anything stable with anyone, whether it’s friendships or relationships. I mean, this girl probably thinks that I am fucking crazy. I am so damn clingy to her and like I probably seem like a complete emotional mess to her. That is like the complete opposite of what I want. Like, I want to come off as this put together, hardcore, bad ass chick that is indestructible, you know? But I just can’t. Like I honestly can’t help but to either give my all to someone or to give nothing to them at all, and right now I am giving her everything and I am sure that that is pushing her away. I mean, who can just deal with all of my bullshit like right off the bat? No one. No one at all. I mean I can’t even deal with all of my bull shit, you know? And damn, I have way too many insecurities. And she can see them. I literally just post them for all of the damn world to see and it is horrible. But I only do that because I want to be heard. Like I want to be understood, so I put myself out there every time knowing that I will get hurt. So obviously all of this is my fault. I mean, isn’t that what it always comes down to? Shit blowing up in my face? And what the fuck was I thinking anyways, falling for this girl who is completely out of my league and who has a boyfriend. Wow, good one, Marz. Fucking genius. I’m so torn about this. I can’t look at her without either falling more deeply for her or hating myself for talking to her. I obviously need to just end this friendship or just give her some space. I’m such a fucking dumb ass.
So right now I am listening to music that is way too sad for most people’s liking. But that is okay because I can relate to it, and that is what matters. I’m in this crazy place right now where I just need to know that someone understands me. Just one person that I can be close to that truly knows me and my past and is okay with that. I understand that I am a hard person to deal with and that I am not too easy to break down or figure out. But what if, just what if someone actually took the time to do that for me? Like what if someone actually cared about me enough to just know when I’m sad and just ask what is wrong with me? I mean, I am never okay. I always have something on my mind, so just ask. But at the same time, I guess that I am not the type of person who necessarily answers truthfully to questions like “how are you?” But I mean, can you blame me? I have been hurt so much and I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t get hurt again. I can’t put my faith into humanity anymore. I’ve been let down so many damn times and I just can’t take this anymore. So you see, I need to close up. I need to put up all of these emotional walls. It’s inevitable. Like it just has to happen. But it’s horrible, because well, I don’t know. I just want to be cared for. I’m not used to being cared for even though that is all I ever wanted…
From: Someone who is tired of your constant bull shit
Fuck your system that is designed to “help me.” Fuck the bull shit front you guys put up. Fuck your school. Yup. I said it. And in general, just fuck you.
I can no longer post how I really feel on my own damn Tumblr anymore because of the shitty school I attend.
Honestly, they can go fuck themselves because they are messing with the wrong one.
AND YES. I AM PISSED.
I use MY tumblr as a venting place and now I can’t even do that. So now I have to hold all these emotions in.
Sorry, bitches. Your oh so genius plan back fired, because it turns out that you’re not helping me.
Want to know a little secret?
You’re the cause of this physical pain.